One Night in Midgar
by MadamHydra
Summary: Crackfic. Zack gets his hands on some genderswapping materia and naturally gets into all sorts of trouble.  Also, Sephiroth dances a tango, Rufus gets the munchies, and Cloud sniffs underwear.
1. Guard Duty

**NOTE (18-APR-2011):** This is a series of older FF7 crackfics that I wrote several years ago (before "Crisis Core"was released), but never got around to posting to FFnet.

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><p>I blame this ficlet entirely on icedark-elf's and laylah's genderswitching fics. It's all their fault. Really! ::runs away::<p>

**Title:** Guard Duty  
><strong>Author:<strong> MadamHydra  
><strong>Beta:<strong> none  
><strong>Fandom:<strong> FF7 AU  
><strong>Type:<strong> ficlet  
><strong>PairingsCharacters:** Sephiroth, Zack  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Wordcount:<strong> ~1200  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> crack, genderswitching  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

**Summary:** Total crack. No, total crack in silk and high heels.

**A/N:** I wrote this BEFORE Crisis Core came out, so Zack isn't _quite_ the dork we all know and love. However, I've mildly tweaked the story to fit Zack's canon physical description of blue eyes.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>Sephiroth glanced up at the large ornate clock in the entrance hall and wondered what was taking Zack so long. While it was fashionable to be late, Shinra upper management preferred to have their most formidable warrior and pet killer promptly on display for receptions.<p>

He turned and froze, staring blankly as his subordinate sauntered across the entrance hall toward him.

"Zack...?" Sephiroth was vaguely pleased that he managed to keep the squawk out of his voice. A commanding officer should never squawk.

For the first time he could remember, Zack's normally spiky dark hair was actually lying in a neat semi-flat manner. But the anomalous hair was absolutely -nothing- compared to Zack's outfit...

"What the hell are you doing wearing a dress!" he hissed sharply.

"Shhhhh. Call me Kary or you'll blow my cover," Zack murmured as he moved in close and started to adjust the collar of his commander's black leather coat.

Sephiroth grabbed Zack by the arm and hustled him away from the entrance to the reception hall. Once they moved into the dubious shelter of a nearby pillar, he released Zack's arm and stepped back, letting his gaze to slowly travel down Zack's body, then just as slowly back up again.

Zack grinned smugly and said, "Like what you see?" as he turned a graceful pirouette.

Sephiroth was certainly no expert with respect to feminine clothing, but even with his limited experience from official functions, Zack was dressed to stunningly tasteful perfection. The full-sleeved evening gown consisted of shimmering green and blue silk that fitted snugly over Zack's torso and hips, then fell to a complex swirl of iridencent folds. Small sprays of sequins and beads helped to accentuate the curving lines of gown and body. Zack's accessories, jewelry, and makeup were also similarly tasteful and perfectly coordinated.

But what grabbed Sephiroth's attention was the evidence that the body encased in that exquisite gown was indisputably **_female_**.

Thoughts of impostors, sinister schemes, and bizarre practical jokes danced through his head. Although certain senses were easy to fool, other senses were much harder to deceive. Sephiroth leaned in close and _sniffed_. Once. Twice.

Well, this person certainly smelled like...

"... Zack?"

"Satisfied that it's me?" Zack said, lips curving into that familiar grin. The voice was a rich, definitely feminine contralto, but the tone and words was Zack, through and through.

"What the hell are you doing? And how did you...?" He gestured vaguely in the direction of Zack's breasts. "Are they...?"

"Are they real? Yup. Wanna check them out for yourself?" Zack leaned forward, a provocative grin on his... her?... face.

"Zack...," he said, his voice rising ominously.

"Okay, okay. As for how, materia, of course. You'd be amazed at the odd types they've got lurking around the research labs. And as for why, I'm here to watch your back, just like any good buddy should do."

"What?" he said, totally baffled.

"Well, you've been whining..."

"I do not whine!" he snapped.

"...whining about how this pack of predatory young women have been relentlessly stalking you at these parties recently. And at the last reception, didn't three of them manage to corner you in a side-room and tried to give you a private striptease show and lap dance? You ended up jumping out a tenth story window to get away from them."

"And you think that showing up with a female companion will deter them?" he said dubiously.

"Why not give it a try? It can't hurt," Zack said, the very picture of reason.

"Unless someone finds out what you're doing!" he hissed back.

"Don't worry. The genderswitch materia works like a charm."

"And how would you know?" he demanded in exasperation.

"Apparently the scientists have been doing quite a lot of private research with the rare materia they've got squirreled away in the lab," Zack said with a sly wink. "The materia's effects are pretty specific - it changes the target's sex, but things like height, weight, and physical abilities remain pretty much the same."

Sephiroth eyed Zack, now a tall statuesque brunette... Well, actually, a rather strikingly attractive statuesque brunette. He frowned suddenly.

"You've gotten taller."

"It's the shoes." Zack said with a chuckle, kicking up a foot to show off the blue high heels. "I can't really take credit for the ensemble, though. I had lots of help."

"Don't tell me that you managed to drag one of your girlfriends into this mess!"

"Hey, she volunteered with **_way_** too much enthusiasm, okay? Especially when she found out that I was actually going to **_be_** a woman..."

Zack slipped his... her?... hand through his arm and started to tow him back toward the reception area.

"Trust me, Sephiroth. I know what I'm doing," Zack said in a calm voice that was devoid of teasing.

Faced with that steady blue gaze, he realized that despite the ridiculousness and obvious pitfalls of the current situation, he did indeed trust Zack. So he sighed and gave in with as much grace as he could.

"Fine. Let's go," he muttered, tucking Zack's arm more firmly against his.

He was promptly rewarded with a brilliant Zack-smile.

Glancing down at the feminine, yet reassuring strong hand resting on his black leather-clad arm, he was unexpectedly pleased to note that Zack's fingernails, while long and painted, didn't look anything like Scarlet's gaudy raptor talons, thank god.

"How did you get your nails to grow out in only a few hours?" he asked with genuine curiosity.

"Apparently there's a materia for everything. It's amazing what you can find in the beauty sections of upper Plate department stores, Seph."

"But your eyes..."

"Contacts. Neat, huh? Good thing, too. Can't have mako eyes giving away the show."

Despite Zack's confidence, he couldn't help tensing as they made their way toward the reception's entrance and were met by a wall of stares. But he soon began to relax as he realized that the other attendees were not staring out of suspicion, but out of admiration. They obviously saw only what Zack intended them to see - the famous General Sephiroth in black leather and his undeniably gorgeous female companion.

Scarlet going to have an absolute fit and he was going to enjoy every moment of it.

"Forget about you watching my back. I think I'm going to end up protecting yours from all the women who'll want to kill you on sight," he said softly as he escorted Zack past Heidegger's glaring wife.

Zack chuckled, a low ripple of laughter that drew even more admiring looks.

"Uh-uh. We watch each other's back, Seph. Haven't you learned that by now?"

"I suppose I'm a slow learner."

"Good thing that I'm a stubborn teacher."

"By the way, why blue and green?" he murmured in Zack's ear as they approached the doorway.

"Aerith insisted. She claimed that it would bring out the colors of our eyes."

Some time later, in a brief pause between the mandatory social chit-chat, Zack caught him staring at him... her.

"What's wrong, Seph?"

"I was just thinking that you look awfully comfortable in those high heels."

"I'm a SOLDIER, First Class. I can function effectively in the presence of considerable discomfort and I can balance on damn well anything," Zack retorted with a smug look, then held out her hand.

"Wanna dance, boss? They're playing a tango."

There was a unmistakable glint of challenge in Zack's brilliant blue eyes. And Sephiroth was never one to back down from a challenge.

"Why not?" he murmured, borrowing one of Zack's favorite replies.

Hand in hand, they walked out to take the dance floor.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>The Full Disclaimer:<p>

All names, likenesses, and rights of Final Fantasy VII, its characters, and associated works are trademarks, copyright, and property of Square-Enix. The characters and associated materials of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. The author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the original plot and characters. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

All original portions of this work is considered to be the sole property and copyrighted to the author Madamhydra. No part of this work is to be reproduced, altered, or adapted in any way without the author's express permission.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>oOo<p> 


	2. It Takes Two

**NOTE (18-APR-2011):** This is a series of older FF7 crackfics that I wrote several years ago (before "Crisis Core"was released), but never got around to posting to FFnet.

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><p>Here's a followup to my earlier genderswitching fic "Guard Duty". Yes, at the moment Zack's a woman, and a smokin' hot woman in a stunning blue and green silk evening gown (courtesy of Aerith), thank you. ^_-<p>

**Title:** It Takes Two  
><strong>Author:<strong> MadamHydra  
><strong>Beta:<strong> none  
><strong>Fandom:<strong> FF7 AU  
><strong>Type:<strong> ficlet  
><strong>PairingCharacters:** Sephiroth, Fem!Zack, Rufus  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Wordcount:<strong> ~1900  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> crack, genderswitching  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

**Summary:** Total crack on the dance floor.

**A/N1:** This was written with Groove Coverage's version of "Poison" pounding in the background. Not your usual tango music, but I can **SO** picture our sexy duo dancing to this. So call me crazy... ^_^;;;

**A/N2:** I wrote this BEFORE Crisis Core came out, so Zack isn't _quite_ the dork we all know and love. However, I've mildly tweaked the story to fit Zack's canon physical description of blue eyes.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>As he watched Sephiroth and his mysterious brunette companion, Rufus Shinra thought it was the first time he could ever remember the famous general acting as if he actually wanted to be in his escort's company, instead of treating her with utter indifference or thinly veiled distaste. It wasn't anything obvious, but the intimidating air of chilly aloofness and wariness that Sephiroth typically displayed in social settings seemed oddly muted, almost as if the man was contemplating the remote possibility that an official Shinra Company function could actually be somewhat enjoyable instead of deliberate torture.<p>

The young woman was intriguingly different from the current crop of Midgar debutantes. Petite willowy blonds were in vogue, not tall brunettes with the well-toned body of a trained athlete. The current preference for delicate blonds was the lasting legacy of Rufus' mother, who had ruled Midgar's Upper Plate society with a dainty iron fist while she was alive. Even years after her death, her influence still governed many aspects of Midgar and Shinra social life.

But even more than her striking looks, it was the woman's attitude toward the general that was the most fascinating. Sephiroth's female escorts tended to behave in two ways - either they clung possessively to the general's arm, flaunting him like a trophy, or they hovered nervously, trying their best to avoid any contact and flinching at Sephiroth's every movement.

This woman was different in that she did neither. She didn't clutch at Sephiroth, but she certainly wasn't avoiding him out of fear or nervousness. Instead, she appeared utterly at ease in the general's company, quite unruffled by Sephiroth's formidable reputation or his exotic - and many said, blatantly unnatural - appearance.

While standing close to each other, physical contact between the two was fairly minimal, usually consisting only of a brief brush of shoulders or a quick touch of elbows. Strangely, that very sparseness of contact made them seem more of a couple than any other pair at the party, at least to Rufus. It was as if Sephiroth and his companion didn't **_need_** to make any overt demonstrations of their mutual affinity for each other.

Occasionally, he would see the woman murmur something to Sephiroth. And while Sephiroth's facial expression seemed as cold and distant as usual, Rufus was willing to swear that there was usually a responding glimmer of genuine amusement in the general's exotic glowing green eyes. The woman's reactions to Sephiroth's comments were considerably less restrained, often ending with a soft chuckle and a grin, but the woman's openness didn't seem to bother the general very much, if at all.

To Rufus, they looked so remarkably _comfortable_ with each other, although no one else seemed to notice this anomaly in Sephiroth's behavior.

His initial fascination now bordering on mild obsession, Rufus continued to observe as one of the most aggressive of Midgar's debutantes - one of several who had recently taken to relentlessly hounding Sephiroth - slinked over toward the general and began to flirt brazenly with the him while completely ignoring his companion.

But instead of attempting to stoically ignore the assault as he had done before, Sephiroth smiled coldly at her, raked the debutante with a dispassionate stare, then glanced over to his female companion, who was clearly amused by the other woman's antics. The general then looked back at the debutante and skewered her with the disdainful gaze awarded to a piece of furniture of decidedly inferior quality.

Rufus fought the desire to laugh aloud as the debutante visibly wilted under Sephiroth's silent, withering contempt and hastily departed the scene. The same thing happened three more times as the debutante's cronies tried their own luck, only to retreat with their tails between their designer gown-covered legs as Sephiroth made his preference for his current companion abundantly clear.

Yes, it would be a bit difficult to play the sultry sexual siren when your target makes it clear that that he thinks of you as worthless garbage, especially when compared to the gorgeous, charming woman in his present company.

Rufus was now even more curious about Sephiroth's female companion. The young woman's steady self-confidence, along with her obvious grace and athleticism, made him strongly suspect that the she was either military or worked in the private security field. That would certainly go a long way toward explaining how she and Sephiroth became acquainted and why Sephiroth would select her as an escort. All he knew was that she definitely wasn't a Turk or a Turk candidate, which was somewhat of a pity. He thought that she would fit in nicely with that crew. Perhaps he should bring her to Tseng's attention...

Even as Rufus wondered about Sephiroth's mysterious companion, he found himself hastily taking evasive action as Scarlet barreled past him, her newest executive boytoy in tow. No doubt she was headed to the dance floor. Scarlet considered herself an expert dancer and took every opportunity to show off. And the more sultry the dance, the better, at least in Scarlet's eyes.

During that brief moment of distraction, Rufus had lost sight of Sephiroth and his female companion. When a quick glance failed to locate them, Rufus began circling the crowd, wondering if they had gone out onto the balcony to avoid the growing crowd around the dance floor. But when the fast-paced tango music began pumping out of discretely hidden speakers, the shocked gasps, disbelieving murmurs, and the mention of Sephiroth's name had him nudging his way through the crowd clustered around the dance area. Along the way, the occasional complaint was instantly squelched as soon as they recognized who was so rudely elbowing them aside.

A final firm nudge rewarded him with a clear view of the dance floor. To his disappointment, the first couple he saw was Scarlet and her boytoy. As usual, their tango was just as gaudy and overdone as her sequined gown. The head of Shinra's Weapon Development division had a smug smirk plastered on her face as she took a series of flashy steps with her dance partner. And as usual, there was no question as to who was leading this tango...

...then Sephiroth and his companion glided into view in a swirl of black leather and multi-colored silk. Arm in arm, cheek to cheek, bodies lightly touching in the tango's traditional embrace, they flowed effortlessly across the floor in a dazzling sequence of elegantly intricate footwork.

It wasn't the sight of Sephiroth dancing that left Rufus so dumbfounded - he had seen Sephiroth on the dance floor before, but he had never seen the general actually **_dance_**. The general was an excellent technical dancer who could execute the required steps perfectly in time with music. But as one of the general's escorts had stridently complained, Sephiroth's dancing definitely lacked something vital - 'soul', 'passion', 'fire', call it what you like, but it was that mysterious spark that people claimed differentiated dance from a mere exercise in physical movement. Rufus himself had been frequently scolded for the same fault by his instructors.

But whatever critical element had been missing before, there was no question that it was now present for Sephiroth, with this particular dance partner in his arms. Rufus and the crowd watch in breathless silence as Sephiroth spun the woman out, then reeled her back into his arms without missing a beat of the hard pulsing music. The other couples began to desert the dance area, too clearly aware of their inability to compete in either skill or intensity. And although she tried hard, Scarlet eventually gave up as well, leaving Sephiroth and his companion as undisputed rulers of the dance floor.

Unlike with Scarlet and her partner, the communication between Sephiroth and his companion was so subtle, so flawless, that it was impossible tell who was leading and when. Their movements were perfection, feet and legs interweaving in seemingly impossibly complex patterns, but at the same time, moving so effortlessly that the steps seemed almost leisurely.

As they stepped, turned, glided, and spun, Sephiroth's face remained as expressionless and coolly controlled as ever. But there was a gleam in those ice green eyes that could have been many things, but was most definitely _not_ indifference. And in his arms, the woman smiled almost dreamily, her eyes half-closed as she and the general swept across the floor. Without even looking, she went wherever he took her.

Even the sudden heartstopping floor-brushing dip did nothing to make her smile falter. If anything, her smile widened and once back up on her feet, she whipped into a series of dizzying spins that ended with her sleekly muscled leg hooked high around the general's waist. Staring into his eyes, their lips almost but not quite touching, she gave Sephiroth a dazzling smile as the music faded to silence.

The silence lasted for a few more seconds, then was broken by thunderous applause. And while Sephiroth declined to respond with the traditional bow, settling for the barest nod of acknowledgment, the woman made up for her partner's deficiency by sweeping a deep curtsey to the appreciative crowd.

Feeling strangely dazed, Rufus vaguely noticed that neither Sephiroth nor his companion were sweating or even breathing hard as they walked off the dance floor hand in hand. But before he could wonder about that oddity, he was distracted by the sight of a regular army captain hastily making his way toward Sephiroth. A quick verbal exchange ended with Sephiroth's curt nod to the officer. The general turned to his companion and murmured something to her. Her blue eyes narrowed slightly, then she murmured something back before shrugging. And with that, Sephiroth headed for the exit, the captain scurrying to keep up with the General's long purposeful strides.

Normally at one of these receptions, a single woman, especially one as attractive as the brunette, would be quickly swarmed by men, both single and married. However, even with the general's unexpected departure, the male attendees were clearly too intimidated by Sephiroth's reputation to speak more than a few words with her, much less flirt. Clearly, no one wanted to be accused of trying to poach Sephiroth's date.

As the dancing gradually resumed, only one person saw the young woman in green and blue silk discreetly slip away from the party. And just as discreetly, Rufus followed.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>The Full Disclaimer:<p>

All names, likenesses, and rights of Final Fantasy VII, its characters, and associated works are trademarks, copyright, and property of Square-Enix. The characters and associated materials of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. The author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the original plot and characters. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

All original portions of this work is considered to be the sole property and copyrighted to the author Madamhydra. No part of this work is to be reproduced, altered, or adapted in any way without the author's express permission.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>oOo<p> 


	3. Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

**NOTE (18-APR-2011):** This is a series of older FF7 crackfics that I wrote several years ago (before "Crisis Core"was released), but never got around to posting to FFnet.

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><p>Yes, yet another Fem!Zack crackfic, in which Zack's a woman (thanks to a convenient gender-switching materia) and a smokin' hot woman in a stunning blue and green silk evening gown (courtesy of Aerith).<p>

Previous Fem!Zack stories are: "Guard Duty", followed by "It Takes Two".

**Title:** Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice  
><strong>Author:<strong> MadamHydra  
><strong>Beta:<strong> none  
><strong>Fandom:<strong> FF7 AU  
><strong>Type:<strong> ficlet  
><strong>PairingCharacters:** Rufus, Fem!Zack  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Wordcount:<strong> ~3800  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> crack, genderswitching  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

**Summary:** Keep a low profile and stay out of trouble. How hard can that be? (Uh, Seph, you **do** realize that this is Zack you're talking to, right? ::sweatdrop::)

**A/N1:** Inspired by icedark-elf's story "Learning Curve".

**A/N2:** I wrote this BEFORE "Crisis Core" came out, so Zack isn't _quite_ the dork we all know and love. However, I've mildly tweaked the story to fit Zack's canon physical description of blue eyes.

**A/N3:** This crackfic was written before "Before Crisis" so I was just guessing about Rufus's pre-Meteorfall personality.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>Shortly after General Sephiroth's abrupt departure from one of Shinra's famous corporate parties, the general's female escort quietly slipped away from the festivities. Her departure was mostly unnoticed, except for Rufus Shinra, who had developed an almost obsessive curiosity about the brunette, and one other individual.<p>

Rufus caught up with the mysterious woman near the cloakroom just as she was retrieving a small purse.

"Leaving the party so soon?" Rufus inquired mildly.

The woman in green and blue silk turned gracefully and gave him a rueful grin.

"I guess you caught me. Guilty as charged."

"Any particular reason?"

"My date ran off and dumped me, so now I'm sneaking away to cry my poor broken heart out," she said in a sad, woebegone tone.

Rufus blinked, then struggled to choke down an involuntary chuckle. If her previously displayed self-confidence and Sephiroth's obvious preference for her company weren't sufficient warning signs that something was up, there was the unmistakable gleam of playful mischief in her eyes...

They were fascinating, those eyes, with colors that shifted from blue to blue-green from moment to moment. It could just be an effect of the hallway lights, but he somehow didn't think so.

"Hmmm. Not buying that story, huh?" she murmured, thoughtfully tapping a finger against her chin.

Rufus silently shook his head.

She perked up. "Okay, how about this? I was bored because no one wanted to talk to me."

"Well, that's a little more believable," Rufus said graciously, his lips twitching.

Her shoulders sagged and she held up her hands in mock-surrender.

"All right, I confess. I ducked out of the party because I'm a sniveling coward."

Rufus raised a highly skeptical eyebrow and murmured, "I think we're seriously backsliding in the plausibility department." Someone who could cope as comfortably as she did with Sephiroth certainly didn't lack for courage.

"No, really! I'm trying to hide from a certain overly persistent rotund gentleman," she protested.

Rufus wondered just who would be bold enough - and/or stupid enough - to sexually harass Sephiroth's date. Only a few people fit both that criteria and the physical description. Perhaps Heidegger? Not likely. Although Heidegger certainly had an eye for pretty ladies and didn't mind antagonizing Sephiroth on occasion, the director wasn't brave enough to brazenly flirt right under the nose of his wife, a famous society beauty who gave Scarlet serious competition in the 'flashy but vicious' department. Quickly running through the list of attendees, there was only one possibility left...

"Are you talking about Palmer?" Rufus asked, in a tone of mingled amusement and sympathy.

"That's the guy, the one with the over-ripe cologne, tacky suit, and sweaty, grabby hands," she said with an eloquent shudder. "He first offered to massage my poor bruised feet, then said he wanted to give me a private showing of his etchings."

Rufus snorted and said, "I seriously doubt that Palmer even knows what an etching is."

"I figured as much."

There was a hastily smothered giggle from the young woman working the cloakroom and the brunette flashed her a quick grin.

"Well, since I'm willing to bet gil that this Palmer guy won't be deterred by anything less than serious body harm, I decided that a tactical retreat was in order," she said cheerfully.

When Rufus had set out to follow and learn more about Sephiroth's mysterious female escort, he had expected... well, he wasn't entirely sure what he expected from her, but it certainly wasn't this utterly disarming combination of easy-going charm and playful good humor. Now he was beginning to understand those little glimmers of amusement in Sephiroth's eyes during the party that in any other person would be outright guffaws or laughter.

Her eyes abruptly widened as she glanced over Rufus's shoulder.

"Oh hell, he's coming this way!"

Rufus quickly looked behind him. "I don't see..."

"Trust me, I can smell that fruity cologne of his from a mile away. He'll be turning the corner any minute now," she said with brisk assurance.

Realizing that she was about to bolt for it - and if that happened, Rufus strongly suspected that he would never see her again - he quickly stepped forward and offered her his arm.

"Would you be interested in a leisurely evening stroll around the new Southside Promenade?"

She looked at him, looked down the hallway, then back at him. Finally, she made an 'oh what the hell' sort of shrug and took his proffered arm.

"Sure, I'd love to."

Arm in arm, they smoothly headed out the door just as Palmer plodded around the corner, huffing and puffing, just as she had predicted.

Now they were so close, he noticed two more interesting things about the young woman. First, she was a few inches taller than he was, something that was not obvious when she was standing next to Sephiroth. Second, she was younger than he had first thought. Watching her with Sephiroth, her poise and confidence had led him to put her in her early twenties. He now realized that she couldn't be more than two or three years older than he was, which made her about seventeen or eighteen at the most.

Once outside, as they made their way down the steps of the building, he said, "We haven't even had the chance to introduce ourselves. I'm..."

"Rufus Shinra, only son of our illustrious President Shinra. Someone pointed you out to me earlier."

"Ah. And you are...?"

"Karen. Karen Fair. But call me Kary."

"It's a beautiful name, and it suits you."

She made a choked sound, then grinned back at him.

"Kary is a variant of Karen, which means 'pure'. A beautiful name it may be, but I have to be honest with you - pure, I'm not. But you definitely get points for the attempt," she added in encouraging tones.

He looked at her, taken aback both by her playful candidness that sliced right through the habitual social flattery. Once again, he couldn't quite suppress a chuckle.

"You're right. When you put it that way, it sounds quite pretentious of me. I don't know anything about you."

But how he wanted to, even more than ever.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Sephiroth had told Zack to keep a low profile and stay out of trouble. Or try to, at least. Well, the first part of that semi-order was pretty much shot, considering that he was now parading around on Rufus Shinra's arm, of all people. And flirting, too.

But at least he was staying out of trouble. What could be safer and more harmless than a little evening stroll in a high class Upper Plate shopping area, especially with Rufus's contingent of Turks discretely in tow?

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

As they arrived at the recently opened promenade, the crowd was thinning out as the shows started in nearby theaters. With the loss of their potential customers, street vendors were beginning to pack up their carts. Kary took a few quick steps over to one of the remaining vendors and bought a cup of what looked like freshly baked dough nuggets, drowned with dark gooey cinnamon sugar and topped with sour cream frosting.

He watched as she chatted cheerfully with the elderly man, and when it came time to pay, the vendor waved away Kary's gil and with a wink, heaped on an extra serving of frosting. The older man got a smile and a bright burst of laughter in return, and Rufus thought that the vendor was well pleased with his end of the deal.

Kary pulled the first nugget free from the sticky mass and began eating with a blissful expression, clearly savoring each bite. In the absence of cutlery, there was simply no dignified way to eat the sugary concoction and Kary didn't even bother to try. She seemed to enjoy licking the gooey cinnamon and frosting off her fingers almost as much as eating the nuggets themselves.

Rufus had to admit that buying the snack was an ingenious way of controlling the flow of conversation. After all, social convention dictated that it was rude to talk when one's mouth was full. On the other hand, the aroma coming from the freshly baked nuggets was incredible.

He was so busy watching her, Rufus was caught off-guard when she suddenly held the cup out to him, clearly offering him a bite. He hesitated - it was unwise for the heir to the world's most powerful corporation to accept food from complete strangers... especially from beautiful, charming, mysterious strangers.

As years of safety warnings and security lessons ran through his head, Rufus wondered how to decline her offer gracefully. By now she had surely noticed his hesitation. But when he looked into her magnificent blue eyes, he didn't see any sign of confusion or annoyance.

Instead, he sensed that she somehow **knew** why he didn't just reach out and take one of the sweet treats, as practically any normal person would do. But at the same time, he didn't see pity in her gaze for someone who had grown up in a world full of assassination attempts, hidden threats, and rampant paranoia.

Other women might have jerked the food away in an embarrassed flutter, or they might have brandished it like a challenge, as if taunting him for cowardice. Instead, Kary simply waited, offering without pushing. She left the decision - yes or no - entirely to him. And all he saw in her eyes was understanding, patience, and quiet encouragement. It was almost as if Kary had been in a similar situation before and knew just how to handle it.

In the back of Rufus's mind was the odd thought that Kary was probably marvelous with animals and small children.

Although he didn't know anything about her, it was clear - to Rufus, at least - that Sephiroth trusted the woman to an extraordinary degree. That beautiful, soaring tango between her and the general never could have happened without a tremendous degree of mutual understanding and trust between the partners.

But did the fact that Sephiroth trusted Kary, and vice versa, mean that he, Rufus Shinra, could trust her? Hard experience and cold logic said 'of course not', but for once, Rufus felt the nearly overwhelming urge to chuck reason and logic out the window and go with his gut instincts.

And his instincts were telling him that Kary meant him no harm.

Almost defiantly, Rufus leisurely reached out and took the topmost nugget, which incidentally had the most frosting. The Turks following him were probably having a mild fit. Well, let them. He was going to enjoy himself for once, and to hell with the consequences.

Amazingly, the sugary nugget was as delicious as it smelled, all warm and buttery. It nearly melted on the tongue, the sweetness of the sugar countered by the spicy bite of the cinnamon and the rich mellow tang of the sour cream frosting.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Zack had to fight hard to not laugh aloud when he saw the almost rapturous look on Rufus' face as he ate. For Seph, it had been chocolates, especially the dark chocolate and raspberry truffles from the most exclusive chocolatier in Midgar.

"Don't hold back. They're best when they're hot," she said with a grin.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

After taking the plunge with that first bite, Rufus found himself enthusiastically munching away as he and Kary strolled down the promenade. With the onset of dusk, many of the boutiques were starting to close, but others remained open.

As they conversed, Rufus could have pressed Kary for more personal details, but he was concerned that if he pushed too hard, she would slip right through his fingers. And so Rufus chose to keep things light and casual, listening carefully for any clues about her past.

He did discover that she was very familiar with Midgar, despite spending a lot of time 'out in the field', a comment that strengthened his suspicions that she either worked in some military or security capacity. Somehow, he just couldn't quite picture Kary as an engineer or scientist, although he didn't doubt that she had the brains for those occupations. Karen Fair struck him as a person who could succeed in practically anything she wanted to do. And while other people, men especially, might be intimidated by a woman of such obvious competence and talent, Rufus certainly wasn't one of them.

However, a niggling sense of familiarity led him to ask her directly if they had ever met before. Her response had been equally straightforward, as far as it went - no, they hadn't met personally, but she did have a relative or two who worked for Shinra and physical resemblances tended to be strong in her family. When she didn't elaborate, he left the matter alone, although he fully intended to pursue it later.

And so they chatted on topics which ranged all over the place from sports to motorcycles to the latest movies. Sprinkled amid the casual talk would be the occasional question about Kary herself. She was perfectly aware that he was digging for information, of course, and with a grin would offer an intriguing tidbit, but nothing more.

But instead of becoming frustrated, he found himself enjoying Kary's particular combination of openness and evasiveness. They both knew that they were playing games, but for fun and not out of ambition or greed.

Rufus couldn't remember having more fun with a woman in... well, in a long time. All too frequently, his encounters with women ended up as tense, wary exercises in evasion and deterrence. The young, unmarried ones were constantly trying to attract his attention and out for all they could get from him, including but certainly not limited to gifts, favors, a wedding ring, and/or sex. Not that the older women were much better. All too frequently, they were worse.

Practically the only women who weren't busy trying to crawl into his pockets and/or his pants were the female Turks. And people wondered why he tended to favor the Turks' company over his so-called social peers? Not that the heir of the Shinra Corporation really had any peers.

Kary, he realized suddenly, reminded him very much of the female Turks. Not only in her obvious confidence and self-assured competence, but in the way she managed to be female, but not excessively feminine, at least not in the sense he was used to. Perhaps that was part of the reason he felt so comfortable with her, even though he knew so little about her. Kary was no pushover, and would give as good as she got. Except, unlike Scarlet, she wouldn't try to eat a person alive in the process.

As they passed by one of the art galleries, they both stopped to look at the picture in the storefront window. Almost as one, they tilted their heads to the right, then tilted them to the left, all while continuing to stare at the incoherent mish-mash of clashing fluorescent colors. They then looked at each other.

"It's modern. I'll say that much," Kary said, squinting slightly as if she found the eye-searing painting painful to look at.

"And someone is going to buy that monstrosity, probably for at least six figures, and display it prominently just to bolster their reputation for being a collector of cutting edge art," Rufus said cynically.

They continued their stroll down the row of shops until they came across yet another gallery. In its window was a modernistic painting, although not nearly as bad as the earlier one. This particular painting was covered in large geometric shapes of black and white, mixed with slightly smaller circles of pure green, red, purple, and yellow. It wasn't horrible, but in Rufus's opinion, rather boring with its large areas of flat plain colors.

However, Kary seemed unusually interested in the picture. In fact, she was smiling, as if appreciating a private joke. Curious, Rufus took a closer look at the painting, but saw nothing unusual about its simple colors or its equally simplistic design.

Finally, he couldn't help asking, "What are you seeing?"

She glanced at him, a slight flicker of surprise in her blue eyes which shifted almost instantly to a sort of rueful comprehension.

"It's got an interesting use of colors," she said simply.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Zack couldn't explain it any better because Rufus, with his normal human eyesight, couldn't see what Zack could. Rufus was probably seeing a painting with seemingly random blobs of a few plain colors - pleasant enough, but nothing exceptional.

But with his SOLDIER-enhanced vision, Zack was seeing something entirely different. The painting depicted a simple pottery bowl filled with glowing orbs of materia, much like the portraits of fruit one so frequently saw in artwork. However, a non-enhanced human couldn't see the incredibly subtle shadings which so wonderfully highlighted the shine, clarity, and three-dimensional shape of the materia orbs, nor could they see the tiny variations in black tones which accentuated the bowl's gracefully curved shape. Only a former or current SOLDIER could have painted that picture, and the sheer subtlety of the colors was something only his fellow SOLDIERs could truly appreciate.

Zack knew in an instant that Sephiroth would love it.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Even as they turned away from the picture and resumed their stroll, Rufus continued to wonder about Kary's reaction to the painting. He hadn't missed the way her eyes had taken note of the gallery's name. Obviously she saw something in the picture that he was missing and even though he burned with curiosity to know more, he let it go for the moment.

"You know, I've never seen Sephiroth dance like that. I never realized he could."

She smiled at him and shrugged. "I guess he's never wanted to do it before. But I guess that dance is one of those things where the choice of partner makes all the difference."

"And without the right partner, it's easy to end up simply going through the motions?" Rufus asked casually, taking the very last dough nugget and using it to sop up the final remains of the gooey cinnamon and frosting.

Kary gave him an oddly somber look and said, "Unfortunately, yes."

Rufus wondered about that look - again, nothing as maudlin as pity, but rather that same eerily clear understanding as before. It was as if she was noticing things in him that no one else had ever noticed before. And for someone who had learned early in his life the need to conceal his thoughts and feelings from others, it was unnerving to have a complete stranger see him so clearly. But at the same time, it was also oddly relieving to be exposed, to not have to struggle to hide or express things he barely understood himself.

Not only was Kary gorgeous, smart, charming, talented, good-humored, and sincere, she was damnably perceptive. Rufus no longer wondered why Sephiroth was interested in Kary. He was wondering why the hell Sephiroth hadn't already married her. Because if Sephiroth wasn't interested, he was certainly was. With someone like Kary by his side...

With a sharp mental jerk, Rufus brought his own wild fantasies up short. What the hell was he thinking? Recklessly going with one's gut instincts was fine and good for a casual evening's outing, but it was no way to live one's life. He barely knew anything about Karen Fair. He didn't even know if that was her real name. She was keeping secrets, she had something going with Sephiroth, of all people, and no one could possibly be as perfect as she appeared...

"Why are you blushing?"

Kary's amused voice interrupted his racing thoughts. To his acute chagrin, Rufus realized that he was indeed blushing furiously. Silently cursing the fair complex he had inherited from his mother, he groped for something to say that wouldn't make him look like a total idiot.

"It... I was..."

In the midst of his floundering, Rufus was vaguely aware that two storefronts away, another couple was arguing fiercely. The man, a senior member in one of Shinra's trade or economic development departments, was bellowing at his new trophy wife, a woman barely half his age. Their argument apparently involved the chunky jeweled necklace around the woman's throat, with her husband shouting for her to take it off while she clutched at it and shook her head in angry refusal.

A light tap on his flushed cheek brought Rufus's attention back to Kary, who was smiling, her eyes bright with mischief. And as she leaned down, he realized that she was going to kiss him. Which was perfectly fine.

He first felt her tongue lightly lick the corner of his mouth, but even as he wondered, her lips met his. And like the food they had so recently shared, her mouth was exquisitely soft, warm, and tasted of sugar, spice, cream, and something infinitely more delicious...

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It's a tired old cliche for fireworks to go off when a couple shares a romantic evening kiss. Unfortunately, the thing that went off for Rufus and his female companion was a three-ton truck bomb tucked away in the underground garage of one of the buildings lining the Promenade.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>The Full Disclaimer:<p>

All names, likenesses, and rights of Final Fantasy VII, its characters, and associated works are trademarks, copyright, and property of Square-Enix. The characters and associated materials of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. The author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the original plot and characters. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

All original portions of this work is considered to be the sole property and copyrighted to the author Madamhydra. No part of this work is to be reproduced, altered, or adapted in any way without the author's express permission.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>oOo<p> 


	4. Dirty Laundry

**NOTE (18-APR-2011):** This is a series of older FF7 crackfics that I wrote several years ago (before "Crisis Core"was released), but never got around to posting to FFnet.

* * *

><p>Yes, yet another Fem!Zack crackfic, in which Zack's a woman (thanks to a convenient gender-switching materia) and a smokin' hot woman in a stunning blue and green silk evening gown (courtesy of Aerith). It takes place several days after the events of "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice".<p>

The current Fem!Zack stories (in order) are: "Guard Duty"; "It Takes Two"; and "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice".

**Title:** Dirty Laundry  
><strong>Author:<strong> MadamHydra  
><strong>Beta:<strong> none  
><strong>Fandom:<strong> FF7 AU  
><strong>Type:<strong> ficlet  
><strong>PairingCharacters:** Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Wordcount:<strong> ~2700  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> crack  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

**Summary:** Cloud's first encounter with Zack, under hot and steamy conditions. ^_-

**A/N1:** Inspired by crack-fairy's comments about Zack washing Seph's socks (or vice versa).

**A/N2:** I wrote this BEFORE "Crisis Core" came out, so Zack isn't _quite_ the dork we all know and love. However, I've mildly tweaked the story to fit Zack's canon physical description of blue eyes.

**A/N3:** And since this crackfic was written before "Crisis Core", I was just guessing at Cloud's pre-Nibelheim incident personality. So this meeting is obviously non-canon and Cloud's a lot more bitter and sullen than he was in "Crisis Core". ^_^;

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>Private Cloud Strife hated the sweltering laundry area that handled the officers' clothes in Shinra HQ, with its great drum washing machines and driers. Having grown up in the crisp cold air of Nibelheim, the combination of heat and humidity was a killer. All he wanted to do was to wilt in a quiet corner. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option.<p>

His squad was on punishment detail, thankfully for something that couldn't be possibly attributed as his fault, and doing the laundry of countless Shinra officers definitely constituted punishment. Muscling the masses of clothing and sheets was sweaty, backbreaking work for the toiling grunts, but what did that matter, as long as the officers got their nice crisp uniforms and clean bedding?

Being one of the shortest guys in his squad, Cloud got the unenviable job of being the one to climb into the giant drier drums when something got stuck. However, that afternoon, some of the other guys thought it would be funny to turn on the dryer and give 'ole Clod' a tumble, not giving a damn that they could've broken his neck with their stupid prank. As it was, he was a mass of nasty, painful bruises. Not that anyone alive cared how Cloud felt.

In a weird sense, it would've been easier to take if they HAD been trying to kill him. At least that way, it would've meant that he mattered to someone, even as a target, instead of being a total nobody.

Even as he fantasized about how he would get back at the other guys - if he could ever work up the courage - the swinging doors to the laundry burst open and someone carrying a huge load of clothing strolled in. The heap of laundry was so large, all Cloud could really see of the person was a few spikes are dark brown hair.

"Hey, Private, do me a favor, if you don't mind?"

Cloud started, then realized that he was being addressed by the laundry carrier. Peering around the clothes, he saw a good-looking, dark-haired guy with striking blue-green eyes.

Glowing blue-green eyes.

The person was a SOLDIER, which explained how he could carry with no apparent effort a load of laundry that would've taken at least two normal guys to manage. And although the SOLDIER didn't have any rank insignia on his casual uniform, all SOLDIERs were officers which pretty much gave him the authority to order Cloud to do anything he liked.

"Um... sir?" Cloud stammered.

"Could you give me a hand and round up the escapees for me?"

"Escape...what?"

When the SOLDIER jerked his head expressively toward the hallway behind him, Cloud saw the scattered clothes littering the floor like a trail of breadcrumbs leading from the elevator.

"Oh, sure. Right away, sir."

As Cloud headed for the swinging doors, he heard the sergeant in charge, a narrow-faced sour-tempered martinet called Carter, yell in a shockingly cheerful voice, "Hey, Zack! You could've just given me a call and I'd have sent some guys to pick up the stuff!"

"No biggie, Carter. I was coming down here anyway," the SOLDIER replied with a careless shrug.

Whoever this Zack guy was, he had to be somebody important, considering the way that Sergeant Carter and his assistants casually shoveled other officers' clothes aside to clear the counter for him.

Out in the much cooler hallway, Cloud took his time picking up the clothes that had evidently escaped from Zack's pile. By the time he reached the elevator doors, he had retrieved three socks (black), a tanktop (also black), and one pair of briefs (again black). No, make that two pairs of black briefs - the second one had been dangling from a frond of one of the blatantly fake potted plants that represented someone's feeble attempt at interior decorating.

Cloud frowned, wondering who the hell worn all black underwear, anyway, which was definitely NOT regulation. On the other hand, he was pretty sure that SOLDIERs, unlike humble junior cadets, didn't have to worry about people pulling down their pants to do spot checks on the color of their underwear.

There was something else odd about the clothes he was holding. It was their smell, or lack thereof. Cloud had a pretty sensitive nose and after living for months in the barracks, he was all too familiar with the pong of sweaty, dirty laundry. But the underwear he held didn't smell anything like that. Curious, he held them a bit closer and took a deeper sniff. Still nothing, not even the usual smell of detergent or clothes softener.

Returning to the hot, steamy laundry area, he saw the Zack guy briskly sorting his huge load of clothes into two smaller piles.

"Mine, mine, his, mine, his, his, his, mine, mine, his, mine, his, mine, his, mine, mine, his, his, mine, his..."

One of the counter guys suddenly leaned forward and started to reach for something.

"Yo, what's this...?"

"Oops!" Zack yelped and snatched something right out from under the other guy's fingers. Cloud didn't get a good look at it, but he thought that whatever it was, it was frilly and bright green.

However, the troopers at the counter evidently got a better look at the mysterious item because they immediately burst out into a loud chorus of wolf-whistles and howls of glee.

"Woohoo! Whassup, Zack?"

"Who's the lady? Details! We want details!"

Holding the item in a clenched hand behind his back, Zack grinned smugly and said in gallant tones, "Hey, I don't kiss and tell, okay? I'm a gentleman."

For that response, he was roundly booed and hissed.

"Aw, c'mon Zack! Be a sport and tell us something! You always find the best babes!" one of the counter guys said, clutching his hands and looking pitiful.

"All right, all right!" He pulled his hand from his back and held up the item in question - a pair of emerald green female panties, very silky, very lacy, and even to Cloud's vastly inexperienced eyes, very expensive. Zack dangled the panties tantalizingly before their faces.

"This, I'll have you know, is a souvenir of a truly memorable evening with a gorgeous, smart, and incredibly sexy blond companion."

Groans of blatant jealousy rose from the troopers, and even the hatchet-faced sergeant looked a bit envious.

"Oh, don't tell us you're going to stop there, Zack!"

"Yeah! What's her name? And her phone number!" the youngest of the troopers at the counter yelled. He was immediately pummeled, albeit playfully, by his companions.

"Not saying," Zack said with a wicked little grin.

The sergeant winked at his men and said solemnly, "Well, if he wants to hide the fact that he's sleeping with Director Scarlet..."

Zack staggered and clutched at his chest.

"What are you trying to do, give me a damn heart attack? Don't even joke about something like that. We SOLDIERs are brave, but we're not suicidal! And if you think that I'm going to allow someone like her near my private parts, you're nuts or aiming for a psych discharge! Besides, I don't like pain!"

Carter smirked, "Then be nice to the boys and cough up a few more details. Not that they're likely to come remotely close to scoring the way you do, but hey, that's their problem."

Zack sighed and said, "Okay, the hottie in question lives up on the Upper Plate, is a little younger than me (which totally rules out Scarlet), is a short-haired natural blond (which again rules out Scarlet), has stunning pure blue eyes, and adorable lips."

The SOLDIER then stuffed the green lacy panties in a back pocket and folded his arms, saying, "And not even wild chocobos will drag another word about this beauty out of me. Not even if you threaten to soil my reputation with slander about Scarlet."

As the troopers working the counter looked disappointed and shuffled back to their work, Zack turned and saw Cloud standing behind him, still clutching his handful of retrieved clothing.

"Thanks!" Zack said easily, grabbing the underwear. He extracted one sock and threw it onto the 'mine' pile, while the remaining socks, the briefs, and the tanktop went on the 'his' pile.

"Uh... no problem... Sir!" Cloud added hastily and belatedly saluting when he received a sharp glare from Sergeant Carter.

"At ease, Private," Zack said cheerfully as he resumed sorting the clothes.

As Cloud reluctantly made his way back toward the washers and driers, he heard the sergeant bellow in outrage.

Whirling, he saw Carter holding up a dark leather... jacket? No, it was an extremely muddy and badly ripped black leather coat.

"Yeah, I know. Total loss," Zack said with a shrug. "The pants aren't much better, which is why I need to order up a few more of both. Your cousin's still got the pattern, right?"

"Sure, no problem." Carter then added with a slight frown, "But you know, what you're asking for is custom work and my cousin has to charge accordingly. You could just order them directly through Uniform Requisitions for a lot cheaper."

"No can do. Whoever handles the leatherwork contract for Requisitions uses crappy quality stuff and they treat the leather with something that reeks. Hell, he refuses to even let those leathers into his quarters, much less wear them."

Trying to look busy while doing the minimum amount of actual work, Cloud wondered who the hell was this 'he' or 'him' that Zack kept talking about.

"Well, my cousin probably wouldn't mind giving you a discount when he knows who the goods are for."

Zack laughed and replied, "Don't worry about the money. It's not coming out of my pocket, so your cousin can charge anything within reason."

Carter grinned, "Fine, then I'll pass on the message. Might take a few days for the first set, depending on his workload, and another week for the remainder."

"No problem. Oh, and have you got those dress shirts?"

"Yup." The sergeant disappeared into his office and soon returned with several white shirts, each neatly hung on hangers and wrapped in plastic. "Dry-cleaned them myself. Not that it was a chore. I've got to say that they're some of the finest Gongaga silk I've seen in a long time. Beautiful work. Soft as hell. I had a hard time keeping my hands off 'em."

Zack grinned, "That's why I got them."

Having casually wandered back toward the counter area, where it was cooler, Cloud noticed the shirts weren't plain ordinary white, but rather a shimmering nearly metallic white that reminded him of platinum.

"They're nice, but pricey as hell," Carter commented.

"Shinra likes their top guys to look good and are willing to pay for it, so who I to complain?" Zack replied with a careless shrug. "Besides, when your superior officer's concept of dressing up for formal occasions consists of adding a shirt to his outfit, there's really not much room for pizzazz. So jazzing up the shirt it is."

Sergeant Carter said amiably, "I would've thought that the general's aide would be able to get out of handling scut work like laundry."

Zack leaned over the counter and beckoned the sergeant closer. In a mock-whisper that even Cloud could hear clearly, the SOLDIER said, "I'll let you in on a little secret, Carter. Sorry to disillusion you, but 'aide' is just a glorified word for 'go-fer'. My job consists of doing pretty much whatever my superior officer wants me to do, including laundry, walking his chocobo, cleaning up the office, finishing off excess paperwork, and all sorts of glamorous stuff like that."

He reached out, took the dress shirts, and slung them over his shoulder.

"Anyway, I've got to get back to the grind. The 'Powers That Be' want the mission reports ASAP."

"Sure thing, Zack. When the leathers come in, I'll send you a message." He suddenly whipped around and growled at the troopers behind him. "What the hell did I tell you bozos before? All SOLDIERs' laundry gets washed with the unscented stuff!"

Distracted by Carter's shouting, Cloud jumped as he felt a light pat on his back.

"Hey, thanks for the help, Private," Zack said and gave him a warm, friendly smile.

And while a bitter voice in the back of Cloud's head jeered and muttered that Cloud hadn't done much and the SOLDIER hadn't _really_ needed his help at all, Cloud still felt almost painfully grateful, and perhaps just a little bit happy. It was the first time in months - perhaps the first time since he'd arrived in Midgar - that anyone had genuinely thanked him for anything.

He watched bemusedly as the SOLDIER named Zack headed through the swinging doors and disappeared into the elevator, then turned to the sergeant.

"Sir... who is that guy?"

Carter scowled at him, as if he thought Cloud was trying to play games with him. Finally, he snapped, "Where the hell have you been all these months, Private?"

_"Where have ***I*** been since joining Shinra? Mostly stuck in the latrines cleaning crap out of toilet bowls, scrubbing vegetables, and other shit details like that!_

"That's Zack Fair, SOLDIER First Class." At Cloud's blank look, the sergeant said, "And yeah, he just brought in his and the General Sephiroth's laundry."

"General...? You mean, THE General!" Cloud stammered, his voice rising to a squeak. Did that mean that the underwear he'd picked up and which Zack had tossed into the 'his' pile belonged to THE General!

One of the guys in his squad sneered and said, "Yeah, General as in General Sephiroth, Clod-boy! God, and you being such a SOLDIER wanna-be!"

"C'mon, get your lazy asses back to work!" barked the sergeant, all trace of friendliness gone.

But as his squadmates scurried off, Cloud remained frozen, staring at his empty hand.

He had traveled all the way from Nibelheim to Midgar in the hopes of becoming a SOLDIER, of becoming someone important and respected, of perhaps even surpassing the great General Sephiroth. And after all these months, how far had he gotten in his quest? What exactly had he managed to achieve so far?

Had he meet Sephiroth? No. Had he even managed to see the General in person? Yes, if seeing the General from the rearmost ranks of a large-scale troop assembly counted.

Now he could add to his resume the fact that he had personally handled - and sniffed! - the great Sephiroth's dirty laundry.

And wasn't that somehow the story of his life?

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>Zack was still chortling softly as he walked into Sephiroth's quarters. Sephiroth wondered if he should ask or whether he was happier not knowing. He eventually decided that he'd better ask, just in case.<p>

After Zack finished relating the details of the conversation in the laundry, Sephiroth struggled to keep the smile off his lips. Zack would only take it as encouragement to behave more outrageously. How someone so competent on-duty in the field could be such a lunatic and trouble magnet off-duty still boggled his mind.

Rising to his feet, Sephiroth said drily, "I see. You cruelly tease them with tantalizing hints of a pleasurable, amorous evening, and all the while you oh so casually neglect to tell them three important facts. One, the gorgeous, smart, sexy blond in question was Rufus Shinra. Two, you didn't spend the night curled up in a fancy lovenest, but rather running around Midgar's service tunnels chasing thieves."

He reached into Zack's back pocket, pulled out the emerald green silk lace panties, then dangled it in front of Zack's face with a slight smirk.

"And three, that _**-YOU-**_ were the one wearing these."

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>The Full Disclaimer:<p>

All names, likenesses, and rights of Final Fantasy VII, its characters, and associated works are trademarks, copyright, and property of Square-Enix. The characters and associated materials of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. The author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the original plot and characters. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

All original portions of this work is considered to be the sole property and copyrighted to the author Madamhydra. No part of this work is to be reproduced, altered, or adapted in any way without the author's express permission.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>oOo<p> 


End file.
